Looking back, I guess I was falling under his control even then.We'd discussed virtually everything in the past, there were no taboos. Allof the (to my mind) shocking, embarrassing fantasies that I harboured,fantasies I'd tried to repress but that just never went away...we talkedabout them all, with no judgement, no lecherous comments, just acceptanceand understanding. I understood now, with Richards guidance, that thesedesires were actually not that uncommon, that I shouldnt beat myself upover having them and also that they would never, ever go away. Like manysubmissives, bondage and restraint were highly charged subjects for me andI'd confided in Richard that it was something I fantasised over. Thefeeling of helplessness...I dont know why but the very idea of it made mefeel faint. Richard was gently talking me through the subject once again,explaining that the guilt and shame I felt over these things wasunderstandable but baseless."I know it's something I have to try," I confided. ?You stay out of her way,? he says to his servant. ?Joanne, start with the bath and then the bedroom. I will be back to check on you. If either of you speak, you'll be fired.?Joanne nods in agreement. She won't speak to the girl. Master Holden leaves them alone and Joanne starts cleaning the bath. She scrubs the tub, the toilet, and the sink. She washes the mirrors and shakes the rugs outside. She grabs all of the towels, his robes, and the sheets off his bed and scurries to the servant's quarters to swap them out for clean linens.In the bedroom, she takes care to dust his shelves, his tables, his chairs and his nightstands as well as she can. She scrubs the window sills, washes the windows, and shakes the curtains. She works quickly, knowing if she finishes early she can still find more to clean. She will do a perfect job this time.When she makes the bed she is careful to fold the sheets at each corner just how she knows he will like it. She fluffs his pillows and places them neatly.
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