“Jude, Kate; since you are staying here, I’ll pay for food and your necessities, like makeup and girl stuff. But I expect you to help keep the house clean and make lunch and dinner. Consider it your rent.”I wasn’t sure, but I felt a slight thawing of their shields.Groceries, snacks, shampoo, makeup, women’s health products and whatnot. I ordered both to get what they wanted from the grocery store, followed by a drug store a stop later.I was saddened that they still didn’t trust me. Possibly it was just Jude who didn’t trust. I wasn’t sure, but I wouldn’t have bet the farm on it.“Would you be happier with me living in a hotel for the three weeks until you can move out?” I asked Jude, while making hamburger patties with the three pounds of meat, most to be frozen until later.“It’s your house.”“But you are clearly not comfortable living here with me in it,” I tried to be reasonable and failed. She refused to leave her room less than fully clothed, extra layers too. Even Kate would sneak. Telling her that I loved her.Good times, before everything had gone wrong.The memory was clear, but the emotions anything but. I could remember wordsof love, but not the emotion itself. Yesterday the thought of her lyingwith this man had enraged me, but now that rage was beyond reach. Ipictured the two of them together, sweaty bodies entwined with desire as hemade his way with her, and felt no wrongness, only a wish that I were inher pace.I could be in her place.The realization crashed over me. I had been resisting out of... what? Somemisplaced sense of pride? All I needed to do was cease fighting and embracemy new self, the self that I truly wished to be. I could have that, I couldhave everything if only I gave myself to him. Absolutely nothing waskeeping me from that which I desired, only my refusal to allow it.How wonderful it felt to slip into my true form, the self I wished to be.My insides twisted as new thoughts and desires cemented into place, fillingme with love and.
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