" I took a hard shuddering breath, I had never said it out loud before. Never even said it in my own head, and now that fact was out there, flitting to Maxie's ears like a butterfly on wings of poison. "Lucky for me I was shit at suicide and good at healing."I paused, but the only sound from the wall was Maxie's uneven breathing, "So I'm sorry I was awful to you. You didn't deserve it, and I'm sorry I took your first kiss after I'd been so mean to you. Sorry about your hand."There was a long silence in which I worried that Maxie had fallen asleep."Jes?" Yes?" Put your hand on the wall, with your thumb right by the hole." I did so, not quite knowing why, "My hand is there too. I wish it felt warm." Maxie?"One knock for yes."Thank you." And then I lost the grip on consciousness I didn't know I'd been holding.I dreamt him dead again. In the dream I walk down the steps to the Hyde Park toilets, my best leather brogues clattering noisesomly on the tiles as I descend, a skip and a hop. I. 30 baje ghar se nikal gaya or uske coaching class ke bahar jaakar uske class chutne ka wait karne laga, uske class chut to dekha ki seema bhi uske saath me hai to main niraas ho gaya ki ab kaise baat karoonga, tabhi maine dekha ki seema ne shilpa se kuch kaha or wo kahi or jaane lage or jab shilpa aage badakar auto ke teraf jaane lage to maine apne bike shilpa ke bagal me roke or kaha ki ghar jaa rahe ho to mere saath chalo main bhi ghar hi jaa raha hoon or usne bina kuch kahe wo mere bike par baith gaye. Main bahut khush tha ki shilpa mere bike par mere saath baithe the jab wo bike par baithe the to uske boobs baar baar mere peeth se touch ho rahe the mujhe bahut accha lag raha tha, tabhi maine shilpa se kaha ki mujhe aap bahut acchi lagte ho aap bahut khoobsurat ho… or aaj main aapse baat karne ke liye hi yaha tak aaya hoon, mere baate sunkar shilpa hasne lage or bole aap bhi mujhe acche lagte hai main bhi aapse baat karma chhate the lekin aap baat hi nahi karte the, phir maine.
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