“President Donald Trump, however, has reportedly called every Governor in every state to calm them and reassure them that nothing is wrong. He has even Tweeted to this effect of late and publicly clashed with Vice President Mike Pence by stating that “there is nothing to fear from demons. They’re simply another species of intelligent life now coexisting peacefully with mankind.’ President Trump is set to hold a press conference this afternoon, in fact, on the White House South Lawn, where he will speak to the country and the media regarding this phenomenon. As of these past few minutes, in fact, Governor Greg Abbott of Texas has rescinded his declaration of emergency and there are unconfirmed reports that fellow, if more centrist Republican Governor Charlie Baker of Massachusetts may soon follow suit.“Okay, this just in. President Trump, in a rather shocking display of unity with the scientific community with whom he has quarreled in the recent past, has apparently invited Neil de. Finally, Matt looked over at me and said: "Jesus Christ, if you're goingto fucking masturbate, take it into your fucking bedroom!" I'm not fucking jerking off," I said, "I've got this fucking itch andit's driving me crazy and if you can't fucking stand it you can fuckyourself!" Matt and I always talked nice to each other like that."And what's with this fucking hair all over your body," he asked, "youturning into a fucking hairball or something?" Yeah," I wanted to say, "with all your thick black hair you better keepaway from the Zoo, they'll throw you in with the gorillas," but I keptmy mouth shut. Matt can be difficult to argue with after he's had a six-pack.So I told him how shaving had always been a problem for me and how I hadstarted using this lotion to soften my beard and eventually ended upusing it on other areas of my body."So that's why you had this fucking hairless crotch," he said, "whydon't you keep using the fucking lotion? That's better than turning intosome fucking.
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