Maybe it wouldn't have worked and we would have separated anyway. Perhaps that was what was needed. But I didn't. I took a bat and tried to kill a man instead of working within the laws of reason to find a better way."And what I said about the papers was true. I spared you and Ruben the humiliation of a trial. A trial that would have had to happen once that man recovered. And they would have been vicious. Vicious to all of us. I couldn't let that happen to Ruben or even to you. And please, Nan, forgive yourself. I have forgiven you. I have even learned to forgive myself for what I did."I looked into his eyes and I believed him. He had forgiven me and himself and he was at peace with what happened. But now a new thought occurred to me. How did he feel about me? Was that selfish? Was that thought not worthy of me at that time? He was here to see his son, not me. I knew that. But the thought nagged at me and I searched my heart for the courage to ask."Carmine, can I say something to you. . hismind will also be weaker and have the same thoughts of a toddler... He willbe more calm, and easier to influence, he already is... No, he didn't getone... but that is normal... soon we can make some strides... He is one ofthe hardest I had, but he will be ready." I thought at first she wastalking about me, but then figured that why would she do that?We came to the mall, and I stepped out. There were tons of people there.Jenny sat in a push chair. Now I saw everything. I asked her what she willdo when she grew; she just responded that she no longer grew. I couldhardly stand up now. I needed the pill. I begged Granny for a pill. That'sright I begged, because at first she was unsure if I deserved one. Ibegged, saying I was at a mall with girl clothes on and I have been goodand done what she told me to. At last she gave me the little pink pill. Ispit out the pacifier again and tried to give it back to Jenny, but shesaid that I could just keep it.It was strange, that after a few.
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