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There was no other way to have a cheerful, accepting and respectful attitude through this.The idea of time frightened me the most. Everything had already gone on much longer than I imagined it would. I got the impression it would go on for much longer still - perhaps months. After so long immersed in this world would I be able to remember or adapt my mind to anything else? They required such complete capitulation, there would be nothing else left of me - and yet I couldn't even cling to that fear, I had to abandon it and eagerly accept their way. If I resisted the end would be the same but it would simply be more painful.The guilt was overwhelming because even these questioning thoughts were wrong. There was a bad person inside me, who embodied everything I knew to be unwelcome in a human being. Though I hadn't expected it at first, the goal here was to make me into a better person. Whenever I questioned that, or fought against it, I was giving succour to that evil part of me. It was. They got bigger and stronger than the girls. But strength isn't everything." What else is there?" Quickness of course. And cleverness even more. And being feminine in itself can be useful to disarm stupid men. And that's the other thing. Not only did my friends act physically passive, but mentally as well. I knew for certain some of the girls were smarter than any of the boys, and some of the boys were as stupid as rocks. But my friends pretended to have lesser minds, dumber than the dumbest of boys. Unbelievable. I just couldn't demean myself like that. I like my mind just fine, so why suppress it?"Oh I know why. Find a mate by any means necessary. But I wasn't interested. I had better things to think about, more fulfilling things, and ... well ... things I really enjoyed." Like learning to fight?" Nick asked her."Yes, but more learning to hide, to creep up on the enemy and surprise them. To study their movement and anticipate. And strategize too, the way my father had." A tear.
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