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Bev felt that pull, an insistent suggestion in the back of her mind that told her it would be so nice to wander down a couple of floors and drop by Mona’s apartment and thank Mona for all the help she gave Bev in moving in. But Bev felt sure that if she went to Mona’s apartment even once, it would undo all the good she’d done in two weeks of resistance. If she’d done any good at all, of course. Bev half-suspected that some part of her didn’t want to fight Mona’s suggestions, she enjoyed the masturbation, after all. She enjoyed the warm, drifting pleasure that she felt when she let go of the effort of resistance and did whatever felt natural. She enjoyed the way that her body seemed to automatically know what Mona wanted her to do, and the way that she didn’t need to think about it at all. Or about anything else, for that matter. That blank, dreamy sensation felt so good that Bev wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to shake it permanently. But she needed to try. Bev focused on that. I wanted to give god a good kicking, I wanted to ... I wanted to roll back the clock, for this not to have happened, for this not to be happening.But it was. Phil's tumour had finally broached the last healthy bit of his spinal cord, more abruptly than anyone had predicted. He was alive, conscious, to an extent, might even have been able to speak if it weren't for the tubes. I'd given the staff a copy of his Living Will - he had no desire to live on machines only until his autonomous functions gave up the ghost - and what they were now doing was, really, pretty much palliative care. He knows what's going on, I thought, so just give him the coup de grace But that, of course, would be illegal. So I stroked his hair, tried to keep in his field of vision - could he still see with the drugs he'd been given? No one could tell me. I tried not to break down completely.Finally, a nurse and a doctor took me to one side, the nurse experienced and kindly, the doctor young and frightened. It was.
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