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"Before I go, do me one small favour."I shot him a dirty look but before I could say anything, he spoke."I've always wondered what a bride wears under her dress."His words hung in the air. My eyes grew wide. "Excuse me?" I exclaimed."Show me, Karen, and I'll leave. My curiosity will be satisfied," he said. Dave always had his nerve. It almost surprised me that he wanted one last look at me."Are you crazy?" I said in a hushed tone. "My mother could walk in any second! Or my mother IN LAW!" I pointed my finger to the floor indicating that at any time, someone could climb the stairs and enter unannounced into the room. "Plus," I added, "You've had your chance. It's over between us." Please Karen," Dave said, "Let me see what another man will be enjoying tonight."My breathing quickened. I pictured Dave on his knees sliding his hands up my legs. I imagined his hands reaching mid-thigh where my stockings ended and bare flesh began. I imagined his hands sliding behind me and gently. Talking to her on the netis not the same as just walking to her home and being withher. Rocking a thirty-year-old that needs to be my five-year-old daughter on the net is not the same as she iscrying and fighting sleep in my arms. I need to put her tobed with her stuffed dolls around her so she won?t feelalone and kiss her. I need to read her a Dr. Susse, watchher play on the swings, help her with a puzzle, or have herhelp me make some cookies. Of course she could lick thebowl.There are other issues as well. It is the fact that evenwith HRT and SRS it is only the best that modern medicinecan do. Even then I am still not genetically female. Thereis no way I will ever give birth. The view in the mirror isstill too masculine. I don?t know if I could ever get ridor my beard or the rug that covers my body. I am too tall.My voice is too deep. The hair where I need it is missing.I need to put makeup and look pretty, not like someone whois trying to pass. And if I try to pass I might get.
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