Sometimes I imagined that I was an underwear model marching infront of a crowd that looked at me with admiration and desire, but most ofthe times I dreamed that I was my own mother. I imagined myself walkingaround the house half-naked like she used to, or sunbathing on the beachwearing a minimal bikini with all eyes fixed on my barely covered ass.After some time this ritual became routine, I started to feel the need formore, my curiosity had been woken up and I wanted to know more about womenand sex. Until then I was not very interested in the topic, in fact, Iwould always escape from it when it became part of any conversations, Ididn't like to talk about it, as I said before, I was very shy and selfconscious.At the time I thought that the only way I had to get to that informationwere my classmates and the porn magazines or VHS videos (Pre-internet era)they had gotten/stolen (generally from their brothers, father or uncles)and shared among them.The next big step in my story came one. It was like fear or pain. It didn't remain long enough for me to feel it through her like I could so many other things. Whatever it was, she didn't like "Sweetheart" for some reason."What's wrong? Why does that name bother you?" I asked.She shook her head, "It doesn't."I knew better than that. "Yes it does. I can feel your ... anxiety for the term. Was it a name you used for someone else?"She hesitated, her eyes rolling left and right, trying to avoid my gaze. I was right though, she had used it for someone else. Someone she felt for. She felt love and pain and loss for that person. All those emotions were so strong in her but there wasn't a story to go with the feelings."I normally wouldn't push, but you're holding something back, bottling it up in you. What was it? Why do you feel so many things for that person?"A single tear fell from her eye. The pain of her memories was riding her and she began to shake in my arms. She was remembering something, something so awful she couldn't.
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