God how I wish they could walk for one day knowing what I know, feeling what I feel, feeling that life within me as it lives and moves and grows. I stare back to unsettle them, unblinking, unforgiving. They look away but the whispering continues. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so hard and round and promising, feeling that pulse of life within, wishing I could look like this forever and have someone to whisper to. And then the pain came, and I wonder why I was not in fear of it. Pain like a river, a waterfall, an earthquake…pain like a volcanic eruption that makes me scream and scream and scream. So much pain to deliver a life so small. Giving birth was perhaps the most painful and colorful moment of my life, the ripping of a soul that I’m not even sure exists. It tore from me. I was a farm kid, I grew up as one and that was all I ever wanted to be. Fortunately my dad and mom raised me as if I was a town kid. Many 'rural folks' didn't have such luck or foresight. Dad also had interests other than agriculture. In his free time, mostly during the winter months, he played around with tech toys, something he had picked up in his Air Force stint, as he had been trained in aviation electronics, and became a ham operator after getting out. In fact, he was thinking of making it a career and had worked for a couple years as a tech at Collins Radio in Cedar Rapids.I still have his R 390A hooked up to a high gain antenna and do some DX'ing once in a while. I even have a KWM-2 SSB tranceiver on a shelf somewhere, not to mention an 18Z-3 High power military HF aircraft tranceiver which I'd never bothered even powering up. Dad had gotten the latter 'under the table' so to speak. Coincidently after a trip through Arizona so I assumed it came out of the Pima boneyard.But,.
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