I was a little disappointed when I found no email from my son Charlie. I felt pretty guilty about feeling bad. God, I am so fucked up, I thought.I got into my warm bed more than a little disappointed in myself. It was warm because I did not have a lot of use for air conditioning. I was one of those rare Americans who can deal with the heat. I kept the AC on at work, so that I didn't sweat up my clothes, but even then it was mostly for the clients and Sam. At home I didn't mind the heat at all.Once in the bed I tried forget everything and drift off to sleep. I was almost asleep, when I heard the unmistakable sound of Jane giving Royce a blow job. I knew the sound for several reasons, not the least of which was having done the same thing myself, but not with Royce of course. I had also heard her with Michael so I recognized the sounds she made.Even though I found it rather disgusting, I also got turned on imagining the scene going on in my living room at that moment. Jane would most. Stars shattered, galaxies collapsed. Civilizations and empires rose and fell. Now, all of them are dust or ashes or earthworm feces or maggot food or fossilized stone or foul smelling, decomposing heap.A life is but a speck in time.The girl in red. Who was she?Though I promised, I couldn't go on date next weekend because, somehow, it felt like cheating the girl in red. It's funny how our mind constructs excuses and drapes itself in all kinds of morals and altruism if it furthers our own wishes. It's how we cheat ourselves.For next two weeks, life went by as it used to, except for some lazy mind storming during lunch breaks. As usual, my office buddies harassed me for standing up the date that they so painstakingly arranged. As usual, the boss reminded me not to dally. As usual, as I waited for the day to end, I also waited for some kind of epiphany, drew some elaborate, very short-lived plans for bettering my life: diets, exercise, sobriety.And as usual, I drank myself to sleep.A.
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