"My head was dizzy, my face hot with shame. To be questioned about ones experiences, sexual knowledge, by ones own grandparent has to be the most embarrassing thing of my life. While to be asked that question was nearly too much - I was thankful she had not wanted an answer, had stopped whatever nonsense I was about to spout."Our family... yours... has not been as noble as it appears." Her aged wrinkled hand dropped to seek an apple from the bowl on the coffee table between us. Almost absentminded she continued, "It started when my father began to come to my bed."Whatever shame-filled selfish emotions I had been feeling earlier disintegrated at that simple but impossible statement. My eyes again looked upon my frail grandparent in interested disbelief. Had I heard correctly?"You can close your mouth dear - I assure you that is but the start of my tale."My lips smacked shut and I starred into my grandmothers eyes."Our family is truly shameless David. My father began to come to my bed. And, although I enjoyed it at the time, I hated myselfafterwards. And if, say, I'd been to a party and picked up a girl, oreven just out with friends, I felt even worse about it. So I'm in acycle where I purge myself of everything, but then can't stop myselffrom buying things again. I love it, but I hate it. No, hate is thewrong word - scared by it is more accurate.''What you're scared of is the thought of what you are and how youwould be perceived by others.' In one sentence, Gloria had hit a nailsquarely on the head. 'And you can't see how the two sides to yourlife can possibly co-exist; they can't co-exist in your head, nevermind in reality.''Exactly. Hence unhappiness. No, even unhappiness is wrong. Disquietis what I feel.''Let's have some more tea.' As Gloria stood I was treated to anotherdisplay of stocking tops and a flash of suspender.She continued as she poured. 'So if you want to know how the girlfeels, then you must want to put yourself in her position. Have.
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