He started with the ‘wish I could have’s, woken from each tangent with a clank of the metal desk legs against the knuckled root, only to drift into another as he imagines the things he could have done, remembers the women he could have loved, if he weren’t ‘so fucking pathetic.’ In fact, he didn’t stop muttering till he reached the ‘wish I didn’t’s, weighted words fading to weighted steps. He was still like that when he reached it, the becomer of death. He was amazed how giant it seemed up close, scraping the floors of the clouds funneled between the ridges, even though he passed it every day into town. He glanced toward the distant edges where concrete cuts into stone and remembered for a second a story he was told, a german boy who spotted a leak in the dam above town and plugged it with his finger. Apparently he stood there for hours, resolute on saving the town, even plugging a few more leaks. But it’s hard for him to think of saving others when he knows he can’t save himself,. He seemed almost unsure of himself most of the evening as we sat in the hayloft which only made him much more irresistible to me. I knew from the first time on the phone that I would give myself to him if he asked, although he proclaimed that was not what his intentions were. I found myself completely caught up in his boyish charms and playfulness. It had started to lightly rain and the sound of the rain on the roof and the horses in their stalls put quietness in the air. I knew he was unsure of where he stood with me and I wanted to let him know, but couldn’t with mere words. I knew that he wouldn’t make a move on me, so I took the lead and straddled him in the hay. Leaning down and slowly kissing him made me ache deep inside. I felt him throbbing against his Abercrombie shorts and being the polite hostess that I am I undid his buttons to release the pressure. I felt his sigh of relief on my lips as I reached down to grab his cock in my hands. Shocked at how big he was I couldn’t.
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