I know Ginny's with the Lord. As the old expression goes, we both did our time in hell. But mine endures, when she died, my soul was sundered. So intertwined were we, that the 'me' I was, doesn't exist anymore.I know that life continued, I ate, slept, I went to work, watched TV, I even went to my beloved Texas home football games down in Austin. But if I didn't have the ticket stubs, I would swear I hadn't even watched them on TV.I know I visited with friends and that family came to see me. But for the last six months, I retreated into a deep place where light has never been. If only, if only suicide wasn't a mortal sin--but like that old 60s song Last Kiss."She's gone to heaven so I got to be goodSo I can see my baby when I leave this world."Tonight is Christmas Eve, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through tomorrow. I've just returned from our midnight candlelight service at church. As we sang endless Christmas carols, something shattered. When my little candle was lit, it. Just a rainy day like everyplace gets sometimes. The boys were with me, nearby on our blankets. Bush was sleeping, Bandy chewing his own much larger piece of leather, and Barley grooming himself lazily.We all lifted our heads when we heard the truck pulling up to the house. It didn't have a muffler, or more likely it had a big rusty hole in the one it had, so it growled and sputtered until whoever was driving shut it off. The boys were outside quickly and I followed them into the drizzling rain, stepping onto the cold gravel and combing my fingers through my long black hair just to get it out of my face. I sat down on the narrow strip of grass that grew alongside the house, sheltered somewhat from the rain, but not minding it either. We'd enjoyed a long hot summer and this was the first visitor we'd had in over a month, probably two, since all I had to keep track of time was my cycle and the moon's.A thin man stepped out of the truck, old and stiff and red as a sunset. A real Native.
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