She was surprised that I called myself selfish, but when I explained she understood better what I meant. She told me it was odd because to her I looked like I was the most unselfish person in the world, but she agreed that my motivations for what I did were important.Just talking with Sofia helped. I was comfortable telling her everything, much like I had been with Jennifer and Melanie, though here there was no sexual tension at all. We’d made our agreement and despite obvious mutual attraction and her love for me, there wasn’t even the slightest hint of a physical relationship, not even mild teasing.I realized that I had my first true friendship relationship with a girl. Yes, I’d had sex with her, but unlike the girls back home, there wasn’t a standing offer to do it any time I wanted. I was surprised at how liberating that was. I could just be myself, pour out my innermost thoughts, get advice, and not have to worry about anything sexual at all. It was an amazing feeling to have!On. I doubt my answers, hoping they are what he is looking for when I used to just know. Just last night he said, “You’re too emotional, relax slut” but those words alone were enough to send a fresh stream of tears down my cheeks. He knows me, inside and out, through and through, as if no time has passed between us and I ache to belong to him again. In my heart, I know that I never stopped belonging to him … that even in his absence, he was here with me. But I still long to proudly wear his steel again, to have that something that I can reach up and grab a hold of and be reminded in some small, self-absorbed way of being able to physically be reassured that I am, indeed, his. I think of the things he has noticed and pointed out to me already, small changes that I hadn’t really noticed myself but once pointed out, embarrassed because it was true. Speaking first person comes to mind quickly because even writing in this forum, I speak it but now, because he pointed it out to me, I am more.
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