“How do you feel about the fact that I ... uh ... didn’t protect you?”“Curious,” I said.“That’s it? Just curious?”“Well, you seem so firm and resolved about not doing that with Chrissy,” I said.“She’s my daughter,” he said.“I might as well be,” I replied.“As much as I agree with you, our blood does not. If I got you pregnant, it wouldn’t be the end of the world for us both.”“My parents would kill me,” I said.“I’m not saying it would be a good thing,” he admitted. “But it’s something we could survive. I really did lose control with you last night. I had not intended to do that until you were older.”“Like this summer?” I asked.“Like in a year or two,” he said.“But I’m going to college?” I said. “What if I had met a guy there?”“I hoped you would,” he said. “I still hope you do. It would be better for you. You deserve a normal life, Mal. What I’ve felt for you all these years has been a crazy, juvenile fantasy and I know it.”“What about what I’ve felt for you?” I asked.“Puppy love,” he. As you know, I struggle with trying to distract myself with other tasks or activities that might help take my mind off how unworthy I feel - and how much wine I've consumed in recent months - but nothing is helping. I can't even find someone who is willing to hold me for longer than a few hours, without it being in between meaningless sex. Hell, at this point, even a friend would be nice. Someone I can just talk to who would be willing to listen and make sure I don't die from alcohol poisoning - or loneliness, whichever gets me first. I don't know how in the world I got to this point in my life but Jesus Fucking Christ, it sucks. I want my happy ending too, dammit. I want kids and a loving husband. A family to come home to that will be excited to see me with hugs, kisses and I love you's. I want my husband to come up behind me and hug me while I wash dishes in my sweats and an old, baby-stained, oversized t-shirt who never doubts that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. I.
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