I honestly couldn’t imagine what it must be like trying to get a cocaine habit off my back. But many girls `in the life’ do turn to drugs. And now that I had seen that life from the inside, I understood why. ‘Let’s not get excited,’ I said. ‘We’re all tired. Let’s try to keep our shit together.’ Louise looked slightly mollified, but Bette, having learned she could talk back to Louise, looked like she had more to say. I headed it off by saying sharply, ‘Cool it, both of you!’ She silently closed her mouth. ‘I’ve got something to say to both of you,’ I said. ‘Please sit down.’ Louise looked at me as if for the first time. Bette meekly folded her hands in her lap and waited to hear what I had to say. Quickly, I filled the girls in on the meeting, and especially my conversation with Carol afterwards, except I did not tell them what the tape showed. That knowledge would have been too dangerous for them. Their eyes grow round as the implications of Carol’s threat sank in. Louise spoke. Drawing the sides of the screen closed, he brushed his hands together and stood up. The fire had begun to devour the new logs and was crackling merrily. The push of heat against my face felt wonderful. I watched him, idly swirling wine in the glass.When he turned around, he said: "I've wanted you all my life, Mom."I snorted at that."Well, since I was eleven, anyway," he said, shrugging.That I couldn't snort about. I remembered that morning when Paul was thirteen, and his eyes relentlessly following me around the kitchen. I said: "Are you a virgin?"Without sign of embarrassment, he nodded."You've been saving it for me?" I asked, butterflies wheeling in my stomach.He nodded again."You really are crazy," I said.He retrieved his wine glass and sat down beside me again. I reached over for the unopened bottle of wine, twisted off the cap and replenished our glasses. Wine always fortified and emboldened me, fine for some situations, but disastrous in others. I put my hand on his right cheek.
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