I’m not usually introspective. I mean, I’m not a brainless gadfly. But I usually consider a course of action and take it. Move on.But lately, this Macklin case ... I don’t know; I was feeling uneasy about flaunting the law. I had the usual greater-good rationalizations. And the fuckers could have given me a fatal injection. But still.I do, usually, mean to do the right thing. I make promises to myself. But, truth is, I don’t always mean it. Can an internal misstatement of motive — a lie to myself — be, on some level, aspirational? Understandable?Out there somewhere is someone I would like to be ... intend to be. Yet, I can’t pretend to be outside of my own moral concerns. Can’t ignore the salience of my own behavior. The lawlessness.On the other hand, I can’t live my life like I’m in a ... an austere Presbyterian church. Hard pews and upright angles. I can’t listen only to the sermon with Protestant rectitude in a room with clean lines and unadorned surfaces.Fuck.Mitchum, and his. In fact, he barely registered the wrongness, except as discomfort.He didn't know it was approaching midnight, just that five girls were brought in. One of the men said to him,"Watch."Four of the girls were taken to frames each side of the altar; whimpering, they were stripped, bent over the frames and strapped to them facing the altar. Clearly, the idea was that they were to be used sexually at some point; equally clearly, they were frightened and not consenting.The fifth girl was brought to Malcolm."This is your initiation test, don't fail. We will help you, but you must strip her and strap her to the central frame, facing the altar."He looked at her and their eyes met. Her eyes were dark brown, her hair a dark brown, (in the poor light he couldn't see the red lights in it) framing a face he thought quite perfect; oval though with a slightly pointed chin. Malcolm's discomfort coalesced into knowledge. He could not go through with this. She looked at him steadily but did not speak..
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