We had so much to lose by being together and we didn’t want to be a couple together. That wasn’t what this was. We would never work as a couple but as friends who fancy the pants off each other, we work incredibly well. As much as I agreed, I felt like I had gone through a breakup this week. I felt empty, I felt lost. I was tearful and angry which I had to blame on hormones. If we hadn’t escalated whatever it was we used to have in the beginning, we could have kept that, that wasn’t hurting anyone. By cooling it now, where do we go back to? How do I be his friend? Just his friend? How do I not hold his hand, kiss him, touch him? I don’t know how we were as friends, it’s too long ago.Those thoughts plagued me all week. They got worse last night when we were making plans for Saturday night. I was nervous about seeing Liam again and how to behave around him. Now I was nervous to meet him to do something so innocuous, so normal for us. His text suggested he felt the same as me, but I. A little over four hours later as I pulled her limp body from her crib, a victim of what we would later learn was S.I.D.S. That smile would be the most precious gift I had ever received from her. As I relive that time my mind races along a narrow corridor, a few moments of history etched in my memory by fear and terror. Everything is in slow motion, as I remember her lips were so cold as I was trying to breathe life back into her. I prayed for her to cry out and respond with her normal vigor, desperately desiring for her to scream, but her chest is stiff and unresponsive as I frantically work to make her lifeless heart respond. In the emergency room when the senior physician on the code team shook his head and said, ‘That’s It, I’m calling it at 5:13 PM we can’t do anything else.’ I wanted to scream, cry, and jump up and down, anything to get them to continue. Instead, I stood for a few moments next to lifeless body after the nurses brought me to her. I was awash in emotions so.
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