It was my son’s birthday and with money being short I couldn’t take him out to the places I thought he would want to go, being an 8 year old I imagined he would want fun fairs or quad bikes, but to my surprise when I asked him where he would like to go he said he would love me to take him swimming, my first thought was “Oh my god, me in a swimsuit, how can I get out of this” at 5’4 and weighing too many stone to write I was dreading it. But this was my son’s birthday, so I gritted my teeth and said, “Ok no problem we’ll go after school”. If you could have seen his face, he was beaming.We arrived at the pool and my stomach was doing flip flops my son was so excited about getting me in the pool but I couldn’t match his enthusiasm no matter how hard I tried. We got changed and I caught sight of myself in the mirror, I nearly went back into the changing rooms. I couldn’t get into the water fast enough, it was like when you see the killer whales doing a belly flop on the telly only with me. The world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack!”The following items are compliments of J & B.After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty’s Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man’s body.The commander addressed the first soldier, “Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?”“From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!”, he replied.“Very good!”, the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6’5”. He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.The second soldier was asked, “What about you, Corporal?”“Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!”, the corporal said.“Very good!”, replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.Finally,.
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