‘Moist is always better,’ I replied. ‘I can’t eat it if it’s not moist.’ We’d never even traded innuendo before, but she caught on to what I was saying. ‘How do you make it moist?’ I asked. ‘Oil,’ was the reply. ‘Coconut.’ ‘I use butter,’ I texted. ‘That would work too,’ Cathy said. ‘But if you’re really good you don’t need to use anything,’ I continued. We kept going back and forth with vaguely veiled food analogies for a while, discussing spices, pie and whip cream and how variety keeps things interesting. ‘Just all this talk of food is making me big,’ I texted. It was but it wasn’t my already slightly pudgy stomach I was really referring too. Something else was getting a bit larger while we continued to chat. ‘Why not chow down?’ asked Cathy. I didn’t respond, not knowing exactly what she meant. The course of the conversation changed for a few minutes as we talked about how sore we were from work and about Cathy’s trips to her massage therapist, her RMT. In one line of text, her. I want it to be anything else, but I’m under siege from you, Lilly is a spy for everyone but me, Lana and Beck went from loving me to hating me to needing my forgiveness and I don’t know which of those is the purest emotion from them. I don’t live with trust. I tried to downplay it and make everyone think that it was for the family to heal, but that’s only part of it. I feel like I’m in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I don’t know who’s on my side any more and the more I think about it, the shorter that list gets. I don’t know if you get what I mean or if I’m just pissing you off more, but I swear to you, I’m not trying to cause more harm. I tried to talk to them calmly and now they’re a mess. You’re pissed at me for Emma, for Tricia and for deciding I need to get out. I throw myself into books to get away from my life and now, for the first time in over a month, I raised my head and tried to take a breath and it feels like I’m being pushed back under water.”“You should have said.
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