They cared but they didn't know what to do. And I didn't know either.There were times when I was alone with one of them, where I would explain my frustration. They understood. "I remember my freshman year, I was in that boat. Don't worry, it'll happen." The right person will come along." You just need to be more confident. You look fine. Confidence is key."I would always tell them "I don't want you to stop living your life, but please try and keep it to yourself. I get its fun for you, but its painful for me to listen to you. I would rather have complaints like you than have nothing at all."After all, the closest I have ever been to a relationship has been a first date.And yet, even after all the advice, after their encouragement and their understanding, nothing ever changed. When they got drunk, they continued to loudly proclaim their experience and I would wonder off into my own world of self pity and disgust.Most of the time, after they had all fallen asleep, I would jack off in. It began as a gradual lightening of the darkness in my head, an awareness of sounds and feelings, there was something warm in my hand, someone was breathing on my cheek."Why won't the light come on?"My eyes just wouldn't open, they couldn't open, the darkness itself was keeping them closed, the thing in my hand moved, it seemed to be squeezing my hand, not unpleasantly, no it was comforting somehow, I wanted to see it, but I couldn't!"Danny" the voice again,"Danny, wake up darling, come back to me, please Danny, don't leave me like this"If I could just open my eyes, I could but a name to the voice, it sounded nice, nice and soft and gentle, I wanted to meet the owner of that voice!"Danny you bastard, if you die, I'll--, I'll bloody well kill you!"The wetness dripped onto my face, Christ I was thirsty! If only someone would turn the bloody lights on, I could ask them for a drink of water!They must have heard me, but it wasn't the light that needed to be turned on, it was a dimmer.
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