I had been warned several times to maintain my feminine tone of voice and mannerisms at all times when dressed or I’d be punished severely so I acted and spoke as girly as I could to avoid a beating. The effect of course was to make it seem I was enjoying myself when the truth couldn’t be further from my mind.Daddy took my hand and escorted me inside and even with the heels I was dwarfed by his size. Daddy stood another 9 inches over my small 5 foot 7 frame so he towered over me making me feel even less masculine than I already felt. His broad shoulders and thick frame just made me feel more insecure and afraid. While I weighed little more than 160lbs, Daddy easily rang in at close to 300lbs of muscle and fat with a noticeable gut that hung over his belt line as a reminder of his age and that his days of working out were behind him. You know the look. He’s very menacing and you know he’s solid as a rock but there is a layer of flab coming from advanced age that covers a muscular. I wish I would have known God when my dad passed away. I didn’t. In fact, I think I yelled at Him about it…never knowing that in that moment, I was being changed. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. Do I wish my dad was alive? Some days, yes. But only if he was going to be normal. Having him here as a drug addict wouldn’t be any more productive today than it was years ago. Had he not overdosed, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Everyone has their own opinion, and I am just expressing mine. I am still learning the way to the Lord, and I’m so new at this. One thing I can do, however, is pray. I try to do it everyday, even if its just a few thoughts, and even if it’s just to say thank you. * Dear Lord, Keep my loved ones in Your capable, caring hands. Help any of them who need You, even if they don’t ‘know’ You. I don’t know You that well, but I’m searching and seeking. Please lend me the ability to understand. I need help to learn about You and Your ways. Make me knowledgeable in Your word. .
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