And I must saythat Lukas went on playing his role of conqueror : he called me almostevery day. He sent me the video course from Anne Melanie Phillips abouthow to feminize your voice and so I was busy with my feminine self. Buthe never came to visit, I didn't want this because I wanted to live myambiguity. It was a strange feeling of having two forces in me: onewhich was craving to go further, to surrender to my fate and the otherwhich advocated normal life in my role as a boy and gave me the strongfeeling that, yes, just fall in love with a girl and the nightmare oftransformation is over and you can turn your life to normal things.Christel: And you told me that it almost happened just after yourreturn to Zurich...Barbara: Right, I stayed in Neuchatel four weeks. Lukas told me on thephone that he had to leave for an overseas trip and that he would leaveinstructions with Philomene in case I was turning. In the last days Icalled Philomene and she reserved the same room as last time, a. The owner decides that we will take half of our dough tothem and hope that the other dough can proof enoughduring the next two hours to be workable. That will beabout all the time ours can carry them. Of course, we are now in the same position as they are,trying to get more dough proofed in a couple hours.Since the night shift is coming on and getting busy theowner asks Mikayla and me to load the dough and make thedrive.On the way over we talk.“I’ve been telling my husband about us flirting. It’slead to a lot of intense sex.”“That’s a good thing, right? I don’t need to worry abouthim coming over to the store to shoot me, do I?”“Yeah. It’s good. He gets a thrill out of it. He issurprised that I would act like that. We’ve had a fewfantasies about going to the clubs and having me findsome guy to flirt with there.”“Really? Have you done that yet?”“Sorta, I’ve gone out without wearing any.
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