He turned toward the TV that was in the corner and turned it on toescape the embarrassment that had started to creep in. Boys were sopredictable. Just like Paul, Ethan wanted to play video games. It wassomething that we had often done together, but it didn't appeal to menow as much as it had before this summer had changed my whole life. Butlike Paul, it was something that Ethan needed. He needed to be able tofind the friend he had known most of his life. If that meant sufferingthrough playing video games again, I would do it. This was for Ethan.I spent the night with him, playing video games, talking, and eatingdinner with his family. It was just like all the other days that I hadspent over at his house. That familiarity seemed to be enough for him tostart to find the connection that we once had. I hadn't realized that Iwas looking for that connection too, but I was happy to realize that Ihad also found it.By the time I left to go home, I was in one of the best moods that I'dbeen in. Meg must have got the clots out in thenick of time and I imagine I'd been stabilized enough to rush to theoperating theatre.There, I'd either had a Dilatation and curettage (D&C ) or ahysterectomy. (Removing the whole uterus.) A big difference I know butreally there was no way to be sure what had been done. Even feeling myown tummy didn't really help. The lack of an abdominal wound didn'tpreclude a hysterectomy. They could still do it transvaginally. Icould feel that I had a blood filled pad between my legs but I wouldhave had that no matter what was done to me.For someone who 12 months ago didn't have a uterus and would neverhave expected to, I was stunned by the devastation I felt at thethought of the loss of it.I could never have a child now if that was the case.I felt just as many women must at the thought of that outcome. Hollow.Empty. Sad.I still couldn't imagine being with anyone post Kevin, but myfertility was a separate thing to that.Somehow I felt less of a woman if I.
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