‘It’s so much more civilised than those horrid coaches.’ Simon turned to me in the back seat and rolled his eyes. I had to stifle the snorting laughter that I wanted to let out loud at his mother’s snobbery, which he was obviously equally embarrassed about. ‘Mother, would you rather collect us from Bristol?’ Simon replied. You know as well as I that the train connections are appalling from London and you wouldn’t see us till midnight.’ ‘True’ his mother conceded. ‘That wouldn’t be good. Of course, with more notice I’d have rostered myself off, but I have to work tonight.’ Simon’s mother was head nurse at drug rehabilitation centre, dealing with those addicts who still had enough wealth, or enough family, to afford to be able to go cold turkey in style, and have the psychological support to help them through. Reading about this today, you might think of Marian Keys’ books, although her attempts to describe what happens are, I’m assured, rather lame and tame. We reached Simon’s home,. I was in pain and I wascold and I didn’t think that I could take any more.Then he was pulling me to my feet.I stood unsteadily, feeling fluid running down my innerthighs, not knowing it was his sperm or my blood, buttoo afraid to look.The he said, ‘That’s rape, real rape. It’s what youwanted.’Nodding yes, I wanted it, I knew that and he knew itand his friends knew it. The pain and the violation,the cold and the rough dirty ground, the humiliation ofbeing almost naked in front of a group of guys while mybody was being used for the pleasure of my attacker andthere is nothing I can do to stop it. ***I wake up later. I’m at home. Tears well up, I rememberthe smell. Fear strikes deep into my soul.But it’s not real.On the couch with him, wrapped in a blanket him holdingme. ‘Was that enough?’ he is asking.‘More than enough,’ I reply, still shaking. Wonderingwhy I’d wanted it, what it was about me that made me.
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