It was the circumstances and the logistics that prevented it, not the lack of desire. It had been five years. We had met in a chat room five years previously; that’s where the attraction began, innocently at first; shared laughs, plans, thoughts and dreams. His wit and intelligence sparked a reaction in me. He made me laugh, teased me, challenged my knowledge and his humour, his intellect and his eloquence turned me on. I did the same for him. Harmless flirting turned to words of arousal to cyber sex as we explored the sexual recesses of one another’s minds. We liked what we found there and our regular online chats became more and more explicit and more sexually arousing than anything I was experiencing in real life. That was our barrier. He was married and I was in a long term relationship and we lived miles apart. I never believed that I was one in a succession and he certainly wasn’t that for me. We never quite got around to meeting up, although we both suggested it often. I am. I knew it wasn’t true. You would have only made my life better. In the short time I did know you, you completely changed me. I could only imagine who I would have become had we been able to live the life we deserved. My grandma always said, ‘God gives us just enough — never too much and never too little.’ She was right. That short time I knew you was just long enough for me to know someone loved me. I think that was the thing that changed me most of all. Knowing that someone had unconditional love for me. And that was what made me finally able to let go and love myself. Sometimes at night I think about the night you died. I cry every time I remember the look on the nurses face, when I knew the end was near. She came in and pulled away the tubes. Then the doctor came, and they turned off your life support. I closed my eyes as I heard the rhythmic sound of your heart monitor shift to a single sharp note. I still hear that in my head sometimes when I close my eyes. I don’t think it’ll.
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