That's how I felt that day. I hung up the phone, pretending things were normal. "Dad said he'll be another hour. And I told him that I'll get sommore shopping done but I think I'm skint!" "Well, Jude, maybe we can spend time together that will be a Chrimbo present for you. Want to leave?"Thumpthumpthumpbzzzbzzzbzzz goes my heart again. "Of course. I'm baking in here it's getting much too hot." We left, our fingers gently yet tightly interweaving. It felt so damn good to have a man hold my hand. I felt the roughness of labour yet the softness of love and intimacy and adoration. This must be one of my erotic dreams where everyone is so perfect, so willing and unselfish. I pinch my breasts to make sure this is real; yes it is the sensation drives me wild and people look at me pecularily (that's my sodding luck!).David and I cross the street. Strangely, there is a vacant building; well it's not abandoned, mind you but newly being built. The sun was just peering out at us from its cloudy. We were in the exam room. All of a sudden there was a lot of movement in the hallway. It wasn’t an emergency or anything, it just became busy. Between the activity in the hallway and the discussion in the room it triggered the anxiety thing. The doctor bless her heart is an exuberant person by nature. She said something really loud. I about came unglued and said “DON’T DO THAT!”. I startled everyone including myself as it jumped right out of my mouth. I apologized and explained my situation. So it looks like I get to carry my sensory equipment everywhere now.An unexpected thing is that during an anxiety episode heavy metal or tribal music is soothing in an unusual way. When I say heavy metal I mean death metal, the fringe type of metal. Hardcore heavy metal. What is unexpected about it is at any other time I can’t stand the sound of it. During an anxiety attack it is as though a part of my mind is racing like an engine without a gear engaged. When I hear that music the racing engine.
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