"I feel like celebrating!" OK, Babe. But remember -- I can help you back into the RV and into your bed. I can't carry you!"Tess giggled. "I know," she said. She shifted her upper body back and forth in a herky-jerky movement that sent her breasts flying, despite the fact that, tonight, she was wearing a proper, heavy-duty bra. "I'm way too big for you to carry!"I could hear several of our fellow bar patrons gasping for breath. Guys don't miss moves like that. Not when all of them were already giving Tess' twin treasures their near-undivided attention."Ladies and Gentlemen!" I announced, standing up with my near-empty beer glass and calling for everyone's attention. "You have a celebrity in your midst!"Everyone got quiet to see where this was going. Tess wasn't having any attacks of false modesty. She just worked on her third Margarita and smiled a foolish little smile.I continued my impromptu speech. "Today, right here in the friendly confines of your own Hammond, Indiana, USA, this. .. I don’t know what.I recovered my senses in hospital. I doubt I’ll ever be pretty again. The nurses actively keep me from mirrors. Not that it matters ... I am kept in the dark.The day came for the unwrapping ... just my head ... the rest of me was toast ... ed.When a doctor says, “You may experience a slight discomfort,” he really means “this is going to hurt like a muthafucka.”It does.When he says...”Hold her. This is going to be extreme.”Yeah.When the great denouement is complete ... and the veil is removed and he says...”Sonofabitch I do great work.”He’s lying.Then he says, “Sorry guys ... I told you to hold her.” The four burly football linesmen are delivered to the ER and are no longer in our purview.My shaved stubbly head is left unwrapped and the Family is ushered in.Daddy tries ... his eyes won’t meet mine.I can not feel my extremities. They are present ... I can seen them when bathed.Alice vomited and won’t come back.Like I said ... not pretty.In the dead of night ....
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