He continued, “Rehearsal starts at six tonight – be here no later than 5:15, please. Take care of that wig, Carol. Take care of Carol, Randall ... go home, you two. God, your children will be so beautiful.”That made Carol blush a little. I grabbed her hand and gave her a big kiss and said, “He’s right you know, we will have beautiful children.”On our way back to the theatre, I decided to broach what I thought might be a touchy subject.“Carol?”“Yes, Rann?”“I think we should tell Jeff.”“Tell Jeff what, Rann?”“Our true relationship, that we’re brother and sister.”“Why, Rann? We seem to be getting through the landmines all-right.”“I’m worried.”“About what?”“About the landmine we step directly on, that we can’t ignore. We’ve been a little bit lucky so far, don’t you agree?”“Yeah, but...”“There’s Marcus, Johnna Jones, Kara, Jake, Jeff Calhoun, All of the people in both WEST SIDE STORY and SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS, along with James and Maurice. I could go on and on, Blue Eyes. I think. I didn't care.Shit. Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories.
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