While Nicole's birth had given me pause, Freddie's birth had really made me reexamine many of the things I did and the way I thought about things.I envied Will and Fred more than Beau. Beau and I had talked a little about the way Libby had made him feel about wanting to live with her at Lauderdale and have children. Dorothy and I never talked about Freddie being my child, but from the way she looked at me when I was with Freddie, I knew she could tell that Freddie's birth had changed me. I didn't stay long with them, as I was afraid I would do something that would further complicate our lives. I had more than a little difficulty keeping my emotions in check around Dorothy and Freddie. Overcoming emotions because of rational thought was difficult. It was a conflict that I felt was a test of character and I knew my character was weak. But I struggled and tried, and that developed an even stronger bond between Dorothy and me.Ania sensed my emotional turmoil. When I returned from seeing. “Five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys,” he said in conclusion. How his heart had raced with fear as he knelt there, not yet a man and already branded a sinner. He had been absolved but the message was burned upon his consciousness. He could not remember much else about that day. He did not touch himself again, but the harder he tried not to think about her in that way the more relentlessly the thoughts came to him. He prayed to the rosary every night and focused all his energy upon suppressing the wicked images in his mind. Each time he felt tempted he forced himself to recite the prayers instead. His dreams were plagued by thoughts of her over the next year and a half. Eighteen months whose nights were long, joyless eternities for a hormonally driven adolescent. Finally one night the urge was too strong and rather than ignore it he yielded to it. Intense emotions gripped him as his body surrendered to his hand and he quietly brought himself to climax. And it had felt good. So good in.
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