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He set the empty beer bottle on the wood floor of the front porch as he gazed into nothingness, gazed into the blackness of what being off the grid looked like. He allowed himself a single bottle of beer or a single glass of bourbon each night. One. When he had first come out here, he had quickly discovered how the temptation to wallow in his thoughts … then to drink in a state of wallowing … could completely consume him, every waking, cognitive, self-aware, and productive part of him. He had somehow pulled himself away from that edge, that tempting edge from which he could look into the numbing enshrouding blackness of grief. Somehow, he had walked away from that edge. Somehow, he had regained a small part of the man that he had once been. Just enough, though. Luckily, it didn’t take much of a man … he didn’t have much left to invest. But, he had to, he needed to … it was, after all, the reason he was here. He chuckled out loud and to himself at the recollection. Yes, the reason.. I have been humbled and humiliated. It’s horrible.While it has wreaked havoc in my life I did manage to see some good and learn a few things. It is easier for me to be around disabled people now, especially those who are autistic because we are more similar than not. Simple pleasures are very important. When your mind is cotton or a piece of taffy somebody is pulling it’s hard to focus on a goal that is a year down the road. A bowl of soup, that’s just a few minutes away. It fills your mouth with a burst of warm flavors and fills your belly making you feel good. Soup is important in my life now.Kindness is more important to me, both giving and receiving. One because it feels good and helps others feel good. Two, I have to be careful who I piss off. The face I cuss today may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow. When your health declines so do your options.A very important lesson I learned is you have to have a reason to wake up the next morning. It doesn’t matter how big.
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