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While puttering around in my room I heard their sounds. Male laughter at first, then muffled speech, then some louder words not so muffled. I sat down, closed my eyes, and tried to picture what was happening. After a while, there was a knock on the door which was opened before I could say anything. It was Jo.“Just checking on you, how’re you doing?”“I don’t know. Just waiting, you know.” She nodded.“You like hearing them, don’t you?” I did, but didn’t want to say so.“I have a message for you, from Allie. She says you should join them, but that you should take care of yourself now, before you come in.”“She wants me to come in?”“Yeah, but not for taking part in that way. She wants you to go ahead and do it in here. You know...” She curled her fingers and pumped her hand up and down. “Danny’s fucking her now, do you hear? You can stroke along - and try to come when he comes.”“Allie wants me to - to take care of myself, and then join them?”Jo nodded. “She’s with Danny now, if that helps,. I just hope that there are no long-term emotional issues they'll have to face; although I expect it.The reason I'm putting pen to paper about all of this is two-fold. First, my therapist suggested it. He called it a 'project' to help me work my feelings out about things. Whatever, I will give it a shot.And for my kids, not just for me. I need to be whole for them.In losing Anita, I seem to have also lost myself. I mean, I'm a proud guy. I've always been the one others call when they have problems. I was in the Navy and did two deployments to Iraq, so I'm not a crybaby, I'm a realist. The diagnosis was made, and we sought treatment. We did all we could, but cancer is an invitation to the other side to which, in most cases, the RSVP can not be withdrawn.Nothing motivates me now. It's as if I'm on autopilot, and everything I do is just part of my programming. I haven't even gone back to work yet. It'd probably help me to keep busy, but I can only think of my precious wife and how much I.
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