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Sometimes it would be a sudden accident and she got run over by a truck on her way home from the office, sometimes she would be diagnosed with cancer and die within weeks, were I stayed by her side until the end together with Matze. But, and this is a horrible thing to confess, I also dreamed about killing her myself. I really made plans in my mind how I could lure her into dangerous situations to murder her and make it look like an accident. In any of those fantasies, after her death, Matze was heartbroken and I was there for him, consoling him and bringing him back to live with my love until he realized that he, too, had always loved me without being able to admit it. I realized, that I was starting to lose my mind. It could not continue like this any longer. I made the decicion to talk with Nadine about the feelings I was having. She was my best friend after all and we were used to talk about our problems and sharing our secrets with each other. First I texted Matze, telling him. She went through the drive through window at McDonalds. I had not eaten a Big Mac and fries since the one I had on my first night back in the USA. I offered to buy her one but she refused. Smart girl, I thought.She got me home at a little past noon. I didn't figure I wouldn't get away from the press too long. Someone, who knew where I lived, was bound to give me up. It was just a matter of time before I had reporters everywhere. I needed to get ready for them. I sat down and wrote a statement. I tried to tell only what could be found in the record.I hoped no one found me at all. If I had to make the statement, I wanted to make it only once. They found my cell phone first. I refused to answer any calls from anyone I didn't already have in the phone. There weren't many number in that phone either.Butch's number came up once, but I was groggy from my nap. I disconnected him by mistake. I didn't return the call. Finally it was the Chief Deputy's call I answered. "Yes Chief Deputy." I.
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