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Now that it was finally in, I couldn’t bear to think of it moving in and out, I most certainly didn’t want him losing his mind and fucking me hard like he normally did and to Paul’s great disappointment, I pulled away and we stopped. He was kissing me later and reassuring me that it’s okay, but the disappointment on his face was evident. We tried to have sex in a normal way, but he couldn’t perform. I felt awful. I offered we should try again, but he declined of which I was grateful for. Even though I had his dick in my ass for less than a minute, I could still feel the discomfort which it had caused me. We fell asleep that night, unsatisfied and both disappointed. Paul avoided spending the night in my place for a few days afterwards. Christmas was just around the corner and Paul had left Chicago for home to spend a few days with his family, returning on Christmas Eve, determined to spend it with me, feeling sorry over my decision not to go to Oregon with him and absolutely. I pressed my fingers into my temples. Between the fight last night, my dream, and the ruminations over what kind of life I’m destined to lead, my head really hurt. I found the bottle of Excedrin and inhaled two with my Sam’s Cola. Then I laid down on our larger sofa and flipped the channel to ESPN. Billiards. 9-ball, to be precise. I had always loved pool, though I stunk at it. Such was also the case with poker, baseball, lacrosse, life in general. Though I must have done something right yesterday, as karma saw fit to introduce Lauren into my drab existence. Perhaps to rescue me from it? No matter what I did that morning, I couldn’t erase her from my thoughts. Maybe I just won’t try to reconcile Christina’s arguments anymore, I thought. Maybe Lauren and I will run off somewhere exotic. Fiji. The Bahamas. We can live behind the teacup ride at Disneyland. We can take our meals ten thousand feet up on a summit of the Rocky Mountains. But now I was just being silly. I switched off the TV.
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