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They look away but the whispering continues. I have no one to whisper to. I have lost again and look away with eyes full of remorse and hurt and that glint of fear. Fear of the pain? No…more accurately described as fear of failure. What kind of mother will I be? Hands explore a surface so hard and round and promising, feeling that pulse of life within, wishing I could look like this forever and have someone to whisper to. And then the pain came, and I wonder why I was not in fear of it. Pain like a river, a waterfall, an earthquake…pain like a volcanic eruption that makes me scream and scream and scream. So much pain to deliver a life so small. Giving birth was perhaps the most painful and colorful moment of my life, the ripping of a soul that I’m not even sure exists. It tore from me like the wing of bird, disabling my flight through the azure dawn of existence. I felt that when I was crying my tears were made of glass because they hurt as they came out razor edges carving bloody. Haven,t shaved my pubic Bush in years and don,t ever intend to again! We decided to visit my late Uncle John and Aunt Tillie in the San Juans for the final time before we were set to emigrate to London. Tillie,s eldest son Norm was in Bellingham for the weekend playing with his rock band, his sister Ella with him and young brother Phil staying overbwith a friend so it was just the four of us as we arrived in my blue and white 1963 Chevy Impala. Tillie had married first husband Perry when pregnant with Norm at age sixteen. Perry was forty years old and had recently retired after twenty years with the Navy. She,d had the three c***dren in just five years and then Perry collapsed and died from a. Massive heart attack , age forty five! Apparently he had a weak heart, but it seemed odd the navy hadn,t diagnosed it! She married John three years later. John, an army veteran who,d been a guest in a Japanese pow camp in the Phillipines for a year was an alcoholic who could only sleep when.
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