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Her father had just lost his job and his insurance, her mother was very ill and they could no longer afford the care she needed, her 16 year old son was arrested for drunk driving, and her 18 year old daughter had just informed the family she’s pregnant. On top of all that, she had a deadline with her publisher to finish a novel she had barely even started, and her husband was still trying to beg forgiveness for his recent affair with the bisexual bartender he met in Las Vegas. Too much. It was just too much. Melissa had collapsed under the pressure, and her doctor put her back on Prozac, but it was still too much. So her husband rented out this condo for a month and sent Melissa down, by herself, for some much needed “me time.” Of course, Melissa knew John’s ulterior motive was to get her out of the house so he could have more time with the new mistress he thought was a secret, but her mind was too fragile to go there. Standing up to stretch, Melissa caught a glimpse of movement on. It wasn’t social acceptance I needed, but self-acceptance. I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well. It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting. Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like canceling or bailing out, but did not do so. When we did meet, I was just fine, after all, I had done this before, and enjoyed it, so what’s the big deal? I decided to give it one last try, do everything, satisfy my curiosity, and get it out of my.
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