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Which it had not had for a long time – and then only under Robu-san’s watchful eye. When I held it again, once again the shock waves. And the building tension that had, I realized, just barely gone anywhere. Within a minute or so of holding it, I had to remove my hand again. And make sure to keep the sheet from falling between my legs. I gave up on relaxing. On sleeping. And focused only on making it through the night without coming. Which ultimately meant without touching. Barely moving, lying still. Becoming more tired by the hour, with no chance of sleeping. By the time the sun came up I was full of self-doubt. Voices of self-criticism ringing between my ears. Making no sense, but causing pain nonetheless. The emotional pain and exhaustion of my body was eclipsed by the pain between my legs, however. This was the pain that gave me focus. And focusing on it somehow brought me calm – though a very tense, tired calm. I had made it through the night. I touched my throbbing, hard,. He just walked out, taking almost all of the money and leaving mom with a six month old and an unborn baby. I don't know what his "issues" were. Maybe he had drug problems, maybe he was cheating on mom, maybe he had something wrong mentally. Mom doesn't like to talk about it but I'm completely fine with that. If he'd do something like that to us then I don't want to know about him. It left mom in the difficult situation of having to raise two children almost the same age whilst also working. Mom had to get a new job (which she hated) that included fairly long hours. She'd get home at 6pm and be in bed by 8pm. The hours were long but the pay was just enough to get a small place for us to live. Because of how small this place was, Jack and I shared a bedroom. As we grew up, we grew closer. Even though there was just a year between us, I looked up to him a lot and he was very protective of me. We had the occasional argument or fight but that happens to all siblings. 99% of the time, we.
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