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He could do this. He could dial the number… He couldn’t do it. ‘God, stop being such a fucking pussy and call the fucking number,’ he muttered to himself. He stood quickly, and in three strides was grabbing the cordless from the dock. He dialed the number before he could think about it again. He listened to the ring one, twice… three times. He was just about to hang up when he heard a breathy greeting. ‘H-hello?’ ‘Hi.’ Even over the phone he could feel the tension. He heard her sharp intake of breath, waited to hear the click and dial tone as she hung up on him. He deserved nothing less. He had taken something innocent and good and turned it into… ‘What do you want, Nathan?’ That was a loaded question. What did he want? He wanted her not to hate him. He wanted to start over. He wanted to pretend like the past six weeks hadn’t happened. He wanted not to see her eyes filled with tears as she stood in the rain outside his porch while he shut the door and walked away. ‘I want to see. ’ My mind filled, ‘We would like that very much. We would save you. With you, you touch one of us and we all feel it.’ I kissed them. We were all confused by what had happened. They knew my mind was overloaded and I needed a while alone. After they left, my thoughts were my own again, but my mind was lonely and empty. . I wondered if it were mutual. From far away, I heard voices whisper, ‘Yes.’ My nurses arrived half and hour later. I was sitting at the table. My mind was in a confused loop about my dinner guests. I was trying to decide what was spoken, what was imagined, what was real, what was their practiced skill with men and what was given freely to me. I needed the distraction. The nurses were comfortable with me and playful tonight. ‘Naughty boy. Did you play with yourself and get all stickly? Are you all nasty inside too? Let Hanna and Anna make you feel better and wash you out.’ I felt like the virginal young man in ‘The Graduate’ being seduced by the much more experienced.
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