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I stroke her hair and hold her, not knowing what else to do.Her crying slows and she lifts her head to face me again.“Please tell me,” I beg again.“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel so tired all the time. I feel like I can’t take care of everything. I feel unable to move sometimes with the weight on me. And the thought of sex – it feels like just one more chore I have to get done.”Ouch! I’m trying to keep my sensitive male ego intact but it is hard.“A chore? I thought you enjoyed sex with me?”“I do … did. I used to love making love for hours with you – couldn’t wait for it. Now, I just think about all the things I am behind on and should be doing and can’t relax and get into it at all. I feel like I would need to rush through it once we started. I can’t clear my head of the kids, work, the house.”“You don’t even want to kiss me anymore though? You stopped sleeping naked,” I ask.“I would love kissing you, but kissing leads to sex, and I just can’t get into it. I want to hold. . drinking. I learned that he hurt so bad that he needed to hurt even more."Ray stood there quietly listening. He wasn't sure what else to do."So he was a lush on top of it all?" When did you become perfect? He had the darkest depression that I have ever seen anyone have," Janet said sharply."I can't understand Mom. I am trying to understand. It sounds like excuses." Dana just listen. Stop interrupting and listen. Stop judging and please listen. I don't know if the drinking was the cause of his problems or if his problems caused his drinking. But he was so low. He would lose his job and he would be so depressed. Insanely depressed. And then he would drink. And when I thought he couldn't hate himself even more, he did. And he would move away from me. And from you. And he would wallow. For weeks. Until finally he would dry out and climb back. And then he would be happier and more positive. I loved him. He cared about me with a passion and a depth. I think that is why he hated himself so.
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