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They labeled us demons, vampires, witches…” she paused and seemed to lightly scratch at her scar, it seemed to be a nervous tick, “… and so on because of our unusual properties. For thousands of years we have only been trying to survive as best we could in spite of our numbers and our unfortunate fertility cycle. As a sort of means of biological compensation, we are not just capable of living a long time, but indefinitely. All it takes is the ‘life essence’ of a human. Should we continue to consume this life essence we can, in theory, live forever without dying of age.”That was a pretty interesting revelation, though I had to wonder what she meant by “life essence”. The fact that I didn’t know made me nervous.“When they heard about that, humans through the ages assumed it was their very lives we consumed. That we seduced humans and then killed them, consuming their soul to feed our own. This is not the case. In fact, ‘life essence’ literally just means a life-giving substance.”“Like. In fact, it has a Swiss army knife function, which includes a handy corkscrew. Now I will admit putting the chainsaw function button next to the vibrate button wasn't the smartest idea Santa ever came up with, but come on, what's so dangerous about vibrating a tree down? And yes, it does fire bullets but who's going to be dumb enough to use it while it's loaded? And yes, there is a rocket attachment that's capable of shooting down planes, satellites, asteroids and possibly the moon, but come on, who's going to do that? We even put a warning label on the box, 'For legal reasons, please do not take out the moon'. Doesn't that cover all the bases?" So Santa's been fighting that in court in addition to trying to get ready for this most recent Christmas, which in itself turned into an adventure. Santa barely finished delivering all the Christmas presents because I was almost arrested for, believe it or not, attempted sexual assault. Just to be clear here, that didn't happen. For all you.
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