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I try not to dwell on it, but then again the thought of two, or maybe more having sex gives me that extra tingle.At least the towels smell fresh as I take them from the bed into the small bathroom. The once white tiles, the once white shower curtain that barely hung from the track above catches the eye. That and the smell of urine, despite the added blue stuff that floats in the toilet bowl.An hour I wait.An hour left torn between loathing and excitement. A time when one moment I want to run out the door, carry on running until I get home and lock the door forever on my sordid secret life. Then a momentary thought and I am lost in anticipation of what ‘She’ will bring this afternoon.‘She’ that is her name. I know no other. I really speak in her presence, only nods and quietly spoken yes when I am instructed, or is that commanded to doing something, usually degrading. No, is not a word allowed, not that it was said but defiance will come at a price was in a message once.Messages… That. I thought of her beside me, snuggled into the hood of her jacket, pretending not to be cold. She would sit just looking at the trees, her eyes alight with wonder, like a small child. And she would run, kicking at the drifts of fallen leaves, laughing and gasping as they crackled and crunched beneath her feet, barely noticing the misting rain, creating a halo as it settled on her hair. A line from a song drifted into my head: ‘You always loved this time of year’. Well, not quite. Actually, a lot of the time, she hated it. It meant the end of sunny days and warm endless evenings with the heady perfume of late summer flowers. But she did love the leaves. It was the colours, I think. All those bright reds and oranges, twisting and twirling as the breeze wafted through the trees. They were warm colours, nature’s last hurrah before the cold really took hold. And, of course, they were like fire. Fire. She loved fire, loved snuggling up beside a big open fireplace, watching the flames.
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