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" I guess I could have called you but we were kind of busy with my aunt dying." I know that now. It wasn't your fault. I just thought too much and I came up with the wrong conclusion. I was a total mess." A mess?" Yeah. I didn't sleep much that night. I fell asleep in English. That's when my teacher tried to wake me up and I called her Mom. I did lousy at the swim meet." Don't tell me you lost." Oh, yeah, big time. Two out of three. I'm sure it would have been all three but I decided I'd lost you and it wasn't doing me any good to sit around and moan about it. I came back into my own in my third race. When I talked to you on the phone Thursday night, it was like you saved me from drowning. I know it was all my overactive imagination, but I never want to go through anything like that again." Now I feel terrible." Oh, Jill, it's not your fault. I just didn't think straight."We passed the pet store and Jill squealed, pulling me by the arm into the store. The same lab puppy was in the. Not with Winston. Not with Brad. None of it was stable. But I, who had once been celebrated for decisiveness and initiative, had no desire, no intention, no will to make a change. I did not even know what change I wanted. Which was real: the person I had seemed to be all my life, who excelled at school and work, or the person I was with Brad? The only indicator was that I remained passive. One evening though, half hysterically, I did confront Brad. We were in his suite at the Meridian in Boston. I was half dressed. He was bending over his laptop. His back toward me, attaching the cable from his digital camera, with which he had just taken several pictures of me with my hand up my cunt–something which I frankly said was impossible, but changed my mind when he showed me photographs of other women doing so, declared that what anyone else could do I could do, and asked if I wanted him to have Jefferson help open me up. The shots had been from the neck down. ‘There,’ he said,.
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