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She was telling me she was okay and that I was going to be fine.A couple of hours later, I was in the recovery room. I was out of it, so I didn't know what was going on. Bonnie was sitting with me, holding my hand when the doctor came in and explained to her that the surgery went just fine."When will he be waking up?" Bonnie asked him."We're going to keep him sedated until tomorrow," the doctor told her. "We feel we should let the trauma to his body heal a little before he has to face the trauma of losing his wife." There are some things I really need to tell him, doctor," Bonnie told him."I'm sorry ma'am, but they'll just have to wait until tomorrow."Bonnie tried to argue him out of keeping me sedated, but the doctor was adamant.Wednesday, November 14, 1979I awoke the next morning, feeling very groggy and disoriented. I was alone. Bonnie had gone home for the night and no one had come in as yet.I spent a couple of minutes clearing my mind and then took stock of my body. There were. She was kissing me so passionately and pushing her body so hard against mine that I started to become turned on and embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry baby, I’m not ready for this…’ I couldn’t tell her. How do you tell the most amazing girl, who probably has nothing that she isn’t confident about that you are too worried you won’t be good enough for her to do anything other than kiss and cuddle? I could feel myself start to swell and harden and didn’t want to be too small, not live up to her expectations. I mean, Lilli wasn’t my going to be my first, but I really wanted her to be happy. ‘Zac?’ Lil asked me with a confused look on her face. ‘What’s wrong?’ ‘I…it doesn’t matter, we should get a start on our homework,’ I suggested, not able to look her in the eyes. She wriggled over to me and made me look at her. ‘What is it Zacy? You can tell me anything,’ she prompted. ‘It’s just I’m worried I’m not gunna be good enough for you Lil, you’re so amazing and I’m me, it’s scary not knowing what.
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