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I had enough to swing the first and last and some left over to buy a mattress and some blankets. The rest of the furniture would come later as I got more money. I was used to a cot, a stainless steel john and a washbasin. This place was heaven to me. I moved in and made it home.Over the next few months, I bought more stuff from yard sales and adds in the paper for miscellaneous. That was fine for me: the need for expensive toys and goodies was gone, prison putting it in its proper prospective. By the end of five months, I had a real bed, a dresser and a chest, a couch, a TV, and a kitchen table with three chairs. The second bedroom was empty and I had no need to fill it. I was satisfied and settled in. I let Eileen know where I was and gave her my new phone number and she promised to keep in touch. She wanted to know what my plans were but all I told her was that I wanted to let myself get used to dealing with normal people again and doing the job I was hired to do. The rest would. It's nothing to be proud of, unless you imagine you're some kind of victim. Victims have things happen to them and are helpless to do anything about it. You are not helpless. Sack-less sometimes, spineless at others, but never-ever helpless.Not helpless. Never helpless. As long as I was alive there was something I could do.The image of Isabeau and Alex Chorney walking together thru the parking garage popped into my head again followed quickly by the tingling."I've got to find a way to stop this." I muttered to myself.Why?"Because I can't control..."Have you tried to control the feelings? Tried to control the process? No, you panicked and went looking for someplace else to put them so you wouldn't have to deal with them. You are one chicken-shit sonofabitch ain't'cha?I was going from feeling nothing to being overwhelmed by feelings. Unpleasant feelings to be sure, but I'd dealt with worse in the past, hadn't I?Could anything be worse than feeling someone you love suffer and die?Could.
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