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You are waiting for me to come to you, to admit I need your discipline and guidance in order to behave. To willingly accept my punishment. To ask for it. To give up the choice to even keep my failings a secret.And I do. I come in quietly and slip to my knees beside you, staring at the floor, barely able to whisper:“Sir?”“Yes.”“I need to tell you,” I start, then I shake my head, already failing at this too.“May I confess something to you?”I feel you shift towards me, your gaze and judgement bearing over me, but you don’t make it easier, you remain silent, waiting for me.“Sir, I’ve touched myself.”“Where?”My cheeks burn as I admit I had my hands between my thighs, my fingers on my clit. You encourage more, caressing my face as you hear how I defiled myself, how I pushed my fingers, one at a time, inside my cunt, how I fucked myself, how my thumb pinched my clit and I grinder down on my hand as hard as I could. You coax each detail from me gently, pulling out more and more embarrassing. After I finally got back to my digs in Lusaka, after a couple of long flights and a dodgy taxi ride over potholed roads in the pitch black of night, I turned on my phone and got two texts. The first one read: ‘David came over, we talked for a bit, and I went down on him. He wanted to fuck me but I felt funny about that.' The second one read: ‘Jimmy came over after he saw David leave and screwed my brains out. Hope you had a good flight back.’ Three months later I proposed to Heidi and she accepted. Of course she had surmised by then that there would never be any expectations on my part that she would have to be faithful in our marriage, so it was easy for her to say yes to my proposal. She admitted that it was very unlikely that any South African man would marry a woman who was openly cheating on him and had every intention of cheating on him in the future. Although she felt lucky to have found me, I also knew that my acquiescence to her demands somehow diminished her view of my.
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