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Merengue. Bachata. Now and then he plays cha cha, or as the Latinos say, ‘cha cha cha.’ I hear English and Spanish equally spoken and by now they sound the same. It all comes filtered through my ear plug. I only need one. I’m already deaf in the other ear, the sign of a true club junkie. The night is typical in that invitations to dance pour my way initially but slow to a trickle when the younger, prettier women file in late and so cool. Lingering on the bar stool, I harden into a fixture. Watching the dancers, it’s clear their spins, markings, dips, and shines are stymied for lack of space, also known as, ‘dancing on a brick.’ My eyes lock on no one in particular but, rather, a single blur of faces, bodies and limbs melded together like a room-filling, rhythmic sea animal. Next to me sits ‘Bo’, a sweet-worded, big-all-over black regular. He gives me a receptive side-long glance. We regulars are shocked to find out that tonight he hits the big 7-5. When Steven plays the salsa. On Friday, I would probably know if we had any future.I thought about who I was and what I wanted. Did I want this marriage to continue? Did I love Edie? I deliberately avoided telling her I loved her. I wasn't sure myself and so it was better not to mislead her if I had lost that love. How would I know? I once read that the test for love was to imagine your life without your partner. Divorce, death, whatever reason ... how would I carry on?Could I get past her deceit those many years ago and forgive her? At first I didn't think so. But now ... now I'm not so certain. She couldn't take it back. She couldn't make it right at this late date. Could I live with that as well? She had to admit to her sin before I could decide. She had to acknowledge that she had inflicted another deep wound in me.And what about this act I had performed. The new, dominant Howard Carver. It was an act. I knew that. Could I sustain it? I doubted it. Perhaps in some less aggressive and challenging form..
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