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’ Ananda: ‘You’re right, thank you, Michelle.’ She made me see that I don’t have to force myself to forget every aspect of our history. I only have to learn to do what I didn’t in the beginning: loving him as a friend. ‘Anyway, enough about me and my drama. We should eat these cheese sticks before they get frozen.’ Michelle: [giggles] ‘Yeah, that shit was heavy. I almost bursted into tears. So how are things with you and the new beau?’ Please don’t get me started. I almost didn’t tell her, but it feels good to express a little intimacy with someone other than with a group of guys who will snort, grunt, then give opinions that I don’t really care for. Ananda: [sighs] ‘I completely embarrassed myself today.’ Michelle: ‘How?’ Ananda: [rolls eyes] I found myself attempting to surprise him with a visit and a dinner proposition, but wound up with chastisement.’ Michelle: ‘Ouch! My pride would have been blistered.’ Ananda: ‘Believe me it was. I ended up telling him that I forgot I had dinner. I knew it would be a plea for friendship, and I was going to sacrifice my sanity so Shawn could sleep at night knowing I had forgiven him. Ruthlessly I made my eyes focus and read the correspondence: “I love you my Esme, and even if I mess up, am bitter or stupid or sarcastic or arrogant or angry or mad or anything else, my feelings for you never change. I will make the change to become the man who deserves all of you, I will find my way back to your heart.” I could feel my legs coming unglued beneath me. This was exactly not what I needed right now. I collapsed in the doorway, sobbing into the letter itself. How could I be so weak, after building myself up for 3 weeks? I knew, even if I didn’t want to admit it, I had never quashed the hope in my breast. Ruthless Esme, strong Esme, self-determinate Esme? Yeah right. And now this cruel twist of fate! And how dare he! How dare Shawn try to weasel his way into my life! And why did he take so long?! My sense of pride lurched and.
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