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I hadn’t seen girlfriend this uncomfortable in ages. Not since back in the days when I was a wild child and people were giving her grief and telling her to cut ties with me. I wouldn’t have blamed her either. When we were together it was the saint and the sinner, the lion lying down with the lamb. “People will think you’re the same way,” her church family had warned her. Yet, through it all, she’d had my back. And so, before she even spoke I silently promised I would do what she asked. Without question. “I’m just… I’m thinking about my 40th birthday next month…” “Oooh, the big four-O. That’s the new 30 you know.” She laughed, and that released some of her tension. She took a drink from her own punch. “Shonda, I know I don’t have to tell you how much I love Kareem.” I swallowed the ‘huh’ of confusion that nearly popped out at the abrupt change in topic to Simone’s husband of 20 years and father of her boisterous teens. “Of course not.” “I just… I need more,” she blurted out. “I mean,. For fuck's sake what sort of name is that? It should be ‘I am a lazy fuckwit who should not be allowed a keyboard’ ly.Anyway, rant over. My problem started last Thursday. It had been a typically quiet day around here. The sun popped out, the robin sat on the wooden garden fence and shat as usual, and her ladyship sat and did some work. Me, I was fast asleep until 3 o'clock, and then I was unceremoniously awoken from a yummy dream, dragged upstairs and thrown on the bed. It wasn't a surprise, really.Then, I got the shock of my life, and I have seen some shockingly bad things in my time (like a comma before and!). There was little me in her hand when the harlot knelt down and, and I am almost too emotional to say it, there I was staring at a glistening pink starfish. I squirmed, squealed, and even swooned, but it was to no avail. In I went. Not even with the thin bit of me, the big bulbous part pushed right in, no thought for me squashed like a marshmallow and shoved into her stink.
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