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I thought, I must look okay, and a warm flush spread through me. I also just thought to myself, how will I use my voice? I didn't think about that until now. I mean at home I can talk out loud in my regular voice telling my imaginary lover, "to fuck me deeper," or, "right there, yessssss, right there."But how do I respond to a person asking a question or giving a compliment or just a simple hello? I thought, I can't yell out, "right there, right there," to them. I sat and pondered for a few minutes as I finished my cigarette.The opportunity arose soon enough as a couple walked passed. Both looked at me and nodded and said, "Hello," in gentle light voices. I softly half-whispered, "Hello," back. I was pleasantly surprised that it sounded feminine enough to pass. The couple smiled. The Steve Adams I know always went to his closest friends for help, and if they couldn’t help, got professional help. Just like he insisted that I do. Tell me what’s got you so tied up in knots, Snuggle Bear.”“You keep using that nickname. Are you trying to tell me something?”She sighed, “Yes and no. What I want, what I need, and what I’m ready to do, are not the same things. If it makes you uncomfortable, I can stop.”“I’m not sure what it makes me feel. I guess that’s the problem. Don’t worry about it.”“I always worry about you. Now, tell me, what’s the big problem.”“Becky,” I said, my voice barely audible.“Steve Adams, did you have sex with that girl?” Kara asked, a look of horror on her face. “If you did, then I should just go home right now. That would be the single most self-destructive thing you could ever do!”“No! I didn’t. And I don’t want to! The problem, which Anala identified, is that I’m still in love with Becky, and that Becky, not Birgit, was the one, true love of my.
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